Archive for the ‘father’ Tag

August 15, 2015   1 comment

I realize that there was a time when I wrote on this blog very often and then stopped.  I would come back and promise to write, but never really picked it back up.  I wanted to, but I never had the motivation.  I’ve started several other blogs under several other email address, different identities that tap into other sides of my personality, but I just can’t seem to get the ball rolling.  My brain is faulty I guess, I don’t know.  But i loved this blog at one time and I miss the sense of it being my “home base” so I want to write this out so if I am not able to come back again any time soon there is at least some sense as to why.

So much as happened to me in the last few years.  In 2004 my father died.  In 2007 my partner of 8 years died.  In 2012 my mother died.  All of those things are probably written about in here.  But they all also changed me and left me wanting for more.  Then my absolute faith in God was challenged and I have spent the last 4 years or so basically living my life as an atheist.  If you knew me, you would know just how intense and bizarre that was for me.  Then, last week, I just sat down on the edge of the tub of my bathroom and started talking to him again.  Him being God.  For the first time in four years.  We just talked.  And it was amazing.  It was like nothing I have ever felt before.

But you don’t have to worry about me becoming some kind of religious nut.  The relationship I have with God is really different than most people in that it’s a strong committed relationship, but it’s also very relaxed and open.  There are no rules really.  I don’t have to do this or that to make him happy.  We’re friends and he loves me just like I love him.  We just talk.  And share our stories.  And from time to time, I take  his advice.

But I do want to tell the story of my life.  And that’s going to take a certain turn.  It’s going to include my mental illness which means you’re going to hear about the fact that I have been hearing voices nearly all of my life.  And one of those voices has been Gods.  I can’t be sure if that’s real or not.  You’ll have to decide for yourself.  Just let me tell you my story and you listen and figure out what you want.

Anyway, I’m going to sum this up now with a clear “Thank you”.  I have enjoyed writing on this blog for the batch of you who read this.  And when I get around to it, it will mean a lot to me knowing I can count on your all to be intelligent, kind readers.

Take care for now,

Jen

7×7 Link Award!   14 comments

Many thanks to Art Epiphany for nominating me for the 7X7 Link Award! I am very new to WordPress and this is just another aspect of the site that makes me feel like I’ve made the right decision in starting up a blog here.
I’ve been blogging since 2003, but was using sites such as Xanga and MySpace to get my words out to people. I look back at what I was writing about nearly 9 years ago and see so many people who have come and gone, so many life changes and it makes me feel blessed that I took the time to document things. I am a very “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person and it’s very rewarding to see that, even though I feel like I’ve done nothing with my life, I’ve actually come through many things, bolder, stronger and better because of them.
Now, apparently, from what I’ve read up on the topic, all WordPress awards ask the nominees to actively participate in the process. There are different requests for each award. So I’m about to break down the ones I’ve been instructed to deliver for this particular event.
First things first, I have been asked to tell the world something about myself that no one knows. Oh, goodie! I love secrets! And I have so many which is good if this is a requirement for any other awards I may ever be honored to take part in.

What I would like to share then with you all is this: Last December, I was having some issues. I always have issues and that’s not the secret, nor is it a secret that I went to the ER and was then promptly admitted to the Psych Ward for a few days. Everyone that “knows” me knows this because part of my personality is to talk and share a lot with just about anyone who wants to sit and listen. I am very concerned, however, with bothering people so I make the stories entertaining and if you even so much as look at a text while I’m talking I close up and leave you be. Still, I’ve been fortunate to have a lot of people spend the time listening and therefore, many know about my stay in the hospital and what happened there. For the most part.
What they don’t know is that I never wanted to leave. I played by the rules and got out as fast as I could mainly because I had one friend worried to pieces about me and another friend who, now my partner, I was already head-over-heels for and felt so tangled up with that I was worried she would feel abandoned. She wouldn’t, I’ve later learned. She’s great with hospital stays and mental issues. But at the time, I was concerned. And then, there was my mother who didn’t even know I was in the hospital and was left to think that I merely disappeared like I am so known to do. Because of these three women, I did the talking that had to be talked and I got out in a handful of days.
But I wanted with all my heart to be lost there forever. It was mid December and I stood by the big window looking down on the streets of Trenton, my hometown, seeing the snow fall. Everyone around me was talking about either how they wished they were out there to enjoy it or glad they were inside because they were nearly if not entirely homeless and grateful for not being caught in the winter outdoors. But all that went through my mind was, “This is like heaven to me.” I was somewhere safe, somewhere relatively protected and allowed to be as crazy as I felt. And no one was demanding anything of me that I couldn’t handle.
A nurse calls your name and you go to a little window for your meds or to have your blood taken or to see a social worker. A woman pushing a cart shows up and hands you a tray with your predetermined meal served so that you have no choices, no stresses, no concerns. I didn’t have to worry about anyone being mad at me, because if they were it was clear that either they were crazy or I was so what did it matter. It was the first time in my sober life that I was actually happy. And it was the first time ever that I felt completely at home, before or since.
I’ve been trying to get help, going to the doctors as they will have me. But I am sincerely admitting this to you all, if I ever snap and lose it and get tossed in a hospital, don’t feel badly for me. It’s probably the best place for me. And, deep down, I really don’t think I’ll mind.

OK, second on my list of things that I need to do for the award process is list seven of my blogs for various reasons. Now, since I haven’t been on wordpress long, I questioned how to do this because of lack of material. But in my searching of how other folks have done it, I’ve seen a few who have pulled from other sites and resources so that is what I will probably do as well. Just the other day, I posted my Xanga link so in effect, I’ve kind of made the two one anyway. On Xanga, I am known as “postergirl”. Hopefully no one will mind. 🙂

The categories are as follows:

Most Beautiful Piece: Go Eagles

Most Helpful Piece: 1812 Words On Writing

Most Popular Piece: It’s Not a Secret

Most Controversial Piece: The American Dream

Most Surprisingly Successful Piece: Letter to Myself

Most Underrated Piece: Broad Strokes

Most Pride Worthy Piece: What Today Means

The last step in this process is to nominate 7 bloggers who I feel deserve it.  Let me just say, my WordPress experience, even though brief, has been very rewarding.  Thank you to everyone who has posted something informative, intelligent, humorous and heartfelt.  I sincerely appreciate it.

And the nominees are:

Mindfuckery

Rosecityremona

The Gentleman’s Harvest

The Confused Graduate

Wayfarer

Life With a Bean

Sweet Santuary

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