Archive for the ‘children of god’ Tag

August 15, 2015   1 comment

I realize that there was a time when I wrote on this blog very often and then stopped.  I would come back and promise to write, but never really picked it back up.  I wanted to, but I never had the motivation.  I’ve started several other blogs under several other email address, different identities that tap into other sides of my personality, but I just can’t seem to get the ball rolling.  My brain is faulty I guess, I don’t know.  But i loved this blog at one time and I miss the sense of it being my “home base” so I want to write this out so if I am not able to come back again any time soon there is at least some sense as to why.

So much as happened to me in the last few years.  In 2004 my father died.  In 2007 my partner of 8 years died.  In 2012 my mother died.  All of those things are probably written about in here.  But they all also changed me and left me wanting for more.  Then my absolute faith in God was challenged and I have spent the last 4 years or so basically living my life as an atheist.  If you knew me, you would know just how intense and bizarre that was for me.  Then, last week, I just sat down on the edge of the tub of my bathroom and started talking to him again.  Him being God.  For the first time in four years.  We just talked.  And it was amazing.  It was like nothing I have ever felt before.

But you don’t have to worry about me becoming some kind of religious nut.  The relationship I have with God is really different than most people in that it’s a strong committed relationship, but it’s also very relaxed and open.  There are no rules really.  I don’t have to do this or that to make him happy.  We’re friends and he loves me just like I love him.  We just talk.  And share our stories.  And from time to time, I take  his advice.

But I do want to tell the story of my life.  And that’s going to take a certain turn.  It’s going to include my mental illness which means you’re going to hear about the fact that I have been hearing voices nearly all of my life.  And one of those voices has been Gods.  I can’t be sure if that’s real or not.  You’ll have to decide for yourself.  Just let me tell you my story and you listen and figure out what you want.

Anyway, I’m going to sum this up now with a clear “Thank you”.  I have enjoyed writing on this blog for the batch of you who read this.  And when I get around to it, it will mean a lot to me knowing I can count on your all to be intelligent, kind readers.

Take care for now,

Jen

Declaring War on the Enemy   2 comments

Time is vicious. She wraps around me and sucks me through areas I should never truly venture. But I go and try to learn.

Time has always been my greatest enemy.

Never enough, too much, which ever, however, it never mattered. It was always time, bending my ear and tempting me full of hope when what I should do is run away or filling me with fear or indifference when what I should try for was courage and action. I have wasted so much of my life, just trying to never shake hands with time. And here I am, at its doorstep, begging for minutes, wishing for memories to never fade so that they may take up space and fill the void of what this “present” offers. I tell you, it feels as though it offers nothing.

God speaks to me in dreams. Of this I am now sure.

He walks with me and points out the beauty in all women and the strength in all men so that I might feel as though there is purpose, a sense of reason. But all of it, all of his pointing and showing, all it really does is remind me that I am neither the beautiful woman nor the strong man. I am the intellect that floats above the daydreams and imaginations of these children of God while they sleep, while they play, while they wonder in amazement or satisfaction. I am not a person. I am an element, a state, a muse for my own investment. I speak for no one, I speak for us all.

I feel so lost.

But how can someone such as me be lost? Am I not from the east, the west, the south and from the heavens of the north? Do I not belong, if even for a moment in the grand scheme of all things, both time and testament? I find the feeling rather strange and yet completely undeniable.

Time is both a whore and a cruel master. Time needs to be forgiven for offering itself the opportunity for each sin we’ve committed. Yes, I believe it is time that is the true devil.

If each person had but a chance to merely be left to the sketch pad of God, characters in theory and bits of information jotted down for further planning. Oh, the possibilities, the ability to be larger than life and greater than time.

And to have never spoiled in the dance of life, to be rich and firm and beyond the powers of age and passage; yes, so much we would have sacrificed, but oh so very much indeed we need not have suffered.

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