NOTHING   2 comments

 

I haven’t written anything in months.  Nothing, not a poem or a blog post or even a well thought out shopping list; my mind has been worthless and unintelligent.  I have felt amazingly creative and have turned the music up, sat down and prepared to spill out and then…NOTHING.  Simple.  NOTHING.  Bold letters, etched or burned or maybe growing from the inside and finally finding themselves poking out through my bones, breaking free and out of my skin to read NOTHING;

This has never really happened to me before.

I have taken less medication in the last few months and I thought, if anything, that that might actually help me write more.  Maybe it would be some kind of scribble at first as the crazy thoughts come spinning out of my mouth and my fingers try to keep track.  But somehow, after a little practice, I would be fresh and able.  I would be the old me again.  Alive and awake and ready to tackle the bigger issues at hand that have made me the kind of person that other people talk about.  But no, nothing is what comes out of me.  Until this very second and I’m not really sure this is anything I should care to share or feel any sort of way about.  I mean, they are words and that is better than nothing, I suppose.  I am not dead.  This proves that, right?  I don’t know for sure.

I have no audience.  I have no point, no application, no promise, and no art left to tug or pull or settle the storm in me.  I am aimless, shiftless, crooked and spineless and unsatisfied being me.

For the very first time in my life I am not depressed or angry, I am void of purpose and full of misguided apprehension.  I want to die.  I want to stop being here and start nothing else by my leaving.  I am not looking for an escape, I am not hoping for heaven or a reward or some relief.  I simply don’t give a fuck anymore.  I am not broken.  I am not empty.  I am not lost.

I am just not in the mood to give of myself any longer.

To any cause, for any purpose.  I am done.  I am finished here.  And I feel no reason to continue.

Jen

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2 responses to “NOTHING

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  1. ❤ I love you Jen.

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