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Dear friends,

I love you all. First and foremost, let me just say that because I, by now you know, don’t wait for “special occasions” like Thanksgiving to say sweet things or show my emotions. I have been bitten once too often by the misfortune of time to know that we don’t often get to reach the anniversary of milestones before the definition of our existence is qualified by the manifest of our character. By that I simply mean, it is not the memories of those gathered around a table on holidays that make me filled with love and gratitude, but instead all of those times past when minutes slipped by silent and unknowing and one of you or another had helped me justify my reality that lends to me now this feeling of such full honor and reward. As I prepare for a quiet celebration this Thursday, just a small meal that I will prepare myself for the two of us and then in the evening meeting up with my dearest friend for some not-so-casual conversation, I am thinking of everyone living up to their traditions who are surrounded by families and friends and busy with the coming of Christmas. I don’t celebrate Christmas anymore because I live its message all year round and no longer believe in its foundational origination. The same as I gave up faith for knowledge and prayer for learning, I have given up telling stories for sincere communication and dwelling on the past for weaving my timeline so that I can constantly be present while ever moving forward, slow and with purpose. I come to you now, humble and with a sincere heart, offering you with all the hope, honesty and innocent commitment I can muster, my love and friendship and my constant effort to be a quiet place where your weary heart may find comfort, your tired soul may find peace and your restless mind may find refuge. As you have all done for me, from time to time, whether you know it or not, I extend to give you now and always. I love you, my friends. Thank you for bringing me to this place of self love and acceptance. I could never have found me without you.

Enjoy your holiday,
Jen

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Rivers follow down to this little stream in me
That cross divides
The beggar and the believer
Even though neither has felt sunlight
For as long as sunlight has been a thing

The ache in my head grows deep
And finds its way into my ears
The sound of everything
Comes passed a hissing and a rattle
And the doctors say it’s just another
Infection or irritation but I can’t help but wonder
Just what has crawled inside of me
And died
This time

I wanted to bury things that bothered me
I wanted to let go of the ones that have lived and died
I wished on stars and burned the images of a god
That never answered back
And here I am
Surrounded by voices and shadows and the crippled lover
Who promises she’ll never leave me
Unless that’s what I want from her

I can’t be the only one to see the sick side of humor
I can’t be the only one left understanding the joke
My life has become
Or was diagramed to be from the jump

But no one really comes and sits beside me and says
Hey girl I get it
And I won’t judge you if you cut and run
I’ve seen what you’re juggling and this shit is serious
And you need to go get yourself a bottle of pills, a razor, a gun

All I get is some talk about how shit gets easier
And how there are loved ones who need me
And then there is all this promise that somehow tomorrow is going to be
Something better than today and all the yesterdays combined
Like life is a fucked up version of a word problem from some 4th grade math class

Well, I never did follow along with those
I was too busy wondering which mother I was going home to or
Which father was going to pick me up that weekend or
What it might be like if the wrong neighborhood boy
Caught me in the cornfield
I’m sorry
I just never felt the need to daydream
So far in advance as to wonder about
That eastbound train heading out of Chicago
At 80mph
But maybe that would’ve been a better thing to focus on
All along
Because all this worrying
This shit hasn’t gotten me anywhere either
And I’m ready
I’m ready
To take that ride.

Jen

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I haven’t written anything in months.  Nothing, not a poem or a blog post or even a well thought out shopping list; my mind has been worthless and unintelligent.  I have felt amazingly creative and have turned the music up, sat down and prepared to spill out and then…NOTHING.  Simple.  NOTHING.  Bold letters, etched or burned or maybe growing from the inside and finally finding themselves poking out through my bones, breaking free and out of my skin to read NOTHING;

This has never really happened to me before.

I have taken less medication in the last few months and I thought, if anything, that that might actually help me write more.  Maybe it would be some kind of scribble at first as the crazy thoughts come spinning out of my mouth and my fingers try to keep track.  But somehow, after a little practice, I would be fresh and able.  I would be the old me again.  Alive and awake and ready to tackle the bigger issues at hand that have made me the kind of person that other people talk about.  But no, nothing is what comes out of me.  Until this very second and I’m not really sure this is anything I should care to share or feel any sort of way about.  I mean, they are words and that is better than nothing, I suppose.  I am not dead.  This proves that, right?  I don’t know for sure.

I have no audience.  I have no point, no application, no promise, and no art left to tug or pull or settle the storm in me.  I am aimless, shiftless, crooked and spineless and unsatisfied being me.

For the very first time in my life I am not depressed or angry, I am void of purpose and full of misguided apprehension.  I want to die.  I want to stop being here and start nothing else by my leaving.  I am not looking for an escape, I am not hoping for heaven or a reward or some relief.  I simply don’t give a fuck anymore.  I am not broken.  I am not empty.  I am not lost.

I am just not in the mood to give of myself any longer.

To any cause, for any purpose.  I am done.  I am finished here.  And I feel no reason to continue.

Jen