Release   Leave a comment

 

I don’t really understand myself at all.  I will keep coming here, pouring thoughts out and hoping that somehow, at some point, things make sense to someone and they can point shit out to me.  Or maybe it will just click in my head and it will all get crystal clear.  Maybe that’s the last thing that I am going to want to have happen.  Considering the way I’ve been feeling, maybe things getting clearer are really the last thing anyone should want for me.

I’m not sure about any of it.

I have always been a little darker than most people have known.  And then, most people tell me I’m more screwed up than I think they think I am.  Apparently, I don’t fool folks as much as I hope I do.  I’m not trying to speak in circles, but it feels like I am to me.

Regardless, I can’t seem to go more than a few minutes between episodes where the earth beneath me turns up and the dank, rich, foul stench of what has been buried uncovers itself and I am presented with blissful motivation to take matters into my own hands.  I want to break people; crush, burn, boil, emulsify, tangle up and dangle over threats and then not threats, but actual terror like they have never before even contemplated.  I might be satisfied with just scaring someone so much that they surrender and falter and beg for mercy, release, wish for death.  I might.  I’m not sure.  I am tempted to try just to see where it leads, where I take it.

I am curious to see just who I am.

Is this what they want from me?  To leave me to my own devices until someone is there before me, unable to move or get away and begging me for pity?  Sure, let me go wild in my head until then.  Just prey to your worthless gods that it’s not you that I find myself with when the final pillar gives way.

Because I am slowly seeing you as all one in the same; you are no better than the rest.

I want to be sorry

I want to be sorry

I want to be sorry

I want to be sorry

I want to feel something

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