Trying to Make Therapy Work for Me   Leave a comment


It would be beyond fucking fantastic if I could communicate via blog with my therapist.  Not entirely because I happen to really get a lot out of sharing physical space with her which is not something I get to say about a lot of people and I need to say it more often.  I’ve been isolating myself pretty much constantly the last several weeks.  I only go out for therapy and to see the doctor unless it’s some kind of obligation that I can’t shake.  And I don’t even do most of what I really should do.  My poor girlfriend who is constantly is severe pain runs to the store for us so much lately that she has been taking her medication all sorts of incorrectly and I blame myself for it and that just leads to so many other issues for me and between us.  She’s great about it.  I almost can’t stand how great she is about it.  But that’s another set of circumstances for another blog.

It’s true, I am so excited by the present therapist I’ve been set up with that I wish there was some time warp where I could have her 3 times a week for 2 hours at a time.  Or some other crazy concoction of sessions like that because I am a big time talker and I want to dig into so many things that are bouncing around my messed up, super chaotic head.  She won’t be there forever; no one ever is at this place.  I feel like you have a better chance of forming a long lasting relationship with a Taco Bell employee then anyone who works at this particular “Mental Health” place.  But that is probably good because I doubt anyone could put up with me for long.  I am pleasant enough, but as in the case of this current chick, I will most likely stress her the fuck out as it is let alone if she had to spend even more time with me.  I can get rather intense in a multitude of ways and for someone who actually gives a damn and tries to pay attention and be present, well, she probably polishes off a few bottles of wine a week typically.  Dealing with my brand of crazy might turn the poor thing into a full blown alcoholic.

Anyway, I walk in there each week wanting to say so many things.  But I can’t.  I don’t know why.  I trust her and I want to open up, but I feel tongue tied.  I feel like if I open my mouth to let out something I will be betrayed and my usual carefully crafted monologue will instead rush forth, breaking levies and crashing all forms of structure.  She is a professional and just because I feel like she cares and I can trust her doesn’t mean she’s not going to call security or have me locked up for my own good if I start really peeling back the layers of my mind.  I am a sick girl.  I probably should be put away for awhile.

I actually want to be put away for awhile.  I just can’t bring myself to allow it because I know that I am not at the point where I will be honest once I have been detected.

And by that I mean that if I show a crack in my façade and they put me somewhere I will wise up real fast and turn back into one of the people I have perfected being.  I will say and do what I need to so that I show them I was only having a moment of weakness, some doubts or some time where I was a little overwhelmed.  I will get out of there and not get helped.  And it will be recorded as such.  And I will have missed out on another opportunity to be free of this.

I told myself last time that I wouldn’t do that again.  I wouldn’t be committed again until I was ready to be honest and to show them all what I was really made of because I am too old and too tired and way too on edge to keep pulling myself back from the edge.  And truthfully, if I have to play this game one more time I am afraid that the next time they let me out all bets will be off.

And it won’t be about getting help anymore.

It will just be about enacting the plan.  I don’t try things I know I won’t succeed at.  I only allow myself to fail at something once.  And then, I find a way to make it work.  I know the options.  I know what comes next.

Anyway, enough of that shit.

I asked the therapist if I could write some stuff down and have her read it when I first walk in just to get the ball rolling each session.  She seemed totally cool with it.  So that’s what I’ll do.  I want to start dealing with these thoughts, one by one, as they make sense to share.  So I’ll scribble down things and have her know where my head is at and open doors for us to walk through without me needing to verbalize them first.  I think it will assist us both well.

Wish me luck.  I really, truly need it.



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