I am Where?   Leave a comment

Ah, I am feeling so strange tonight; listening to music, moving about online, not really able to focus much on anything.  I wish I had something to take my attention.  I wish there was a topic that I wanted to sink my teeth into, but really what I feel like doing is drifting off into a drug induced haze.  I don’t want to get high, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not in the mood to “party” or hit the streets or anything.  I just want to disappear for a good long while and drugs are the easiest way I have of achieving that.

When I was younger I used to do this intense breathing pattern stuff that would pretty much cause me to hyperventilate and leave me feeling way over stimulated.  My limbs would tingle and my chest would feel like it was poked with a million tiny holes that the light of the universe was pouring out of.  Somehow I felt like I was a sincere piece of the outer shell of the night sky and it felt right, I felt like I found my place.  I guess I wish I was able to get back to that spot on the map.  But when I take deep breathes now, I just get dizzy.

Even oxygen is too powerful a drug for me.  HA!  How lame am I?

I used to meditate so freely, without much effort.  Now, when I close my eyes I feel attacked like people are always waiting for me to lower my guard.  Voices, faces, ideas, everything that can approach me seems to reach out and shake me and I am not able to find a peaceful spot anywhere inside of my own mind.

I am in a better place today than I was even just a week ago and for that I am pleased and grateful.  I am not trying to be negative.  I just would like to know where my mind has been.

The best way to describe it is like this:

Every day I walk into the house, look down and notice that my shoes are muddy and I have no idea how or why.  I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I had been outside except that I am obviously coming in with my hand still on the door.  Where my day has taken me, what I’ve been doing, who I’ve been with, there are no real memories, there are no reasons, no lessons, no purpose.  I am drifting in and out of my own life and I am pointless.

And the only thing that is clear to me, it’s getting clear anyway,  is when you don’t have a beginning, when you have no concept of your journey, all you want is the end.  Any which way, whatever it means, however it comes about.

You just want it to stop.

Jen Czahur

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