Hello. I’m Tired.   Leave a comment

 

I was being slowly lowered off of an anti psychotic.  It was fucking up my blood sugar and making it so hard to lose weight and it seemed like overkill.  But now we see just what it was saving me from I suppose.  Down from 300 to 150mg a night and now things have just gone from fine to ridiculous.  Voices and no longer sleeping through the night, finding myself caught up in some drama that is more defined and more deliberate then anything I can remember ever being apart of before.  It’s hard after going strong for so long and not having any of this shit to deal with.  I knew I wasn’t ready to be “productive” just yet, I have a lot of work still do to, but I thought I was gaining a lot of ground.  But I am where I have always been.

I am just on the other side of the door.  The door being as big and heavy and as guarded as the dose of medication allows.  But you lower that dose and there you have it, the door opening up and allowing in the darkness.  It’s always there.  They are always there.  I am never truly alone, allowed to make up my own mind.  Without the pills, the endless stream of chemicals coursing through my bloodstream polluting my liver, my kidneys, fucking up my balance and memory, I am this crazy person who is like some colorful character from a movie you enjoy but don’t really ever want to spend time with in real life.

And I’m tired again.

I’m tired and I want to crawl away from who I am.

Jen Czahur

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