Long time Coming   Leave a comment

I wrote this back in November, 2012, I believe.  Not sure why it wasn’t posted around then.  But here it goes.

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.  Life has been spinning me around in circles, most of them good, some of them icky.  But overall, I’m in a good place.  I’ve removed some people from my life who have done nothing but make me feel bad about me.  You know, it’s crazy how someone can say kind things to you all the while tearing you a part.  I also realize that a lot of the folks I’m speaking about come from a point of view, a culture really, that is so foreign to who I am and what I am about that it was nearly impossible not to butt heads.  I just thought that it would be different because we all had been so open to those differences going in.  Still, I’d like to say that I don’t feel anything but love for them because that would make me sound all sorts of mature and rational.  But I can’t.  I can’t seem to shake the fact that going in I was open and honest about a lot of things that should’ve bought me a little more patience and a shit ton more understanding.  I have not only difficulties in my life like the loss of my mother and poor living conditions, (those things I can fix and/or settle with time and I realize we ALL have troubles) but I am also dealing with some serious mental health issues.  You would think that someone who has their own problems would be able to take a step back and say, “You know, I am pretty fucking blessed and this person has tried to be there for me in the past, maybe I’ll cut her a break on political conflicts and maybe even see her point of view since she is in need of some legitimate help right now.”  I tried, a few times, to have one of these friends promise me that if their guy won (Mitt Romney) his political advancements against entitlement reform would not leave me homeless or starving.  I am going to be honest.  I was scared.  I was hearing so much about how programs would be slashed and dismantled that all I could think about was that with my piss poor excuse for a family (and I mean that emotionally, not financially) would leave me to fend for myself.  Right now I am unable to work.

I have a hard enough time trying to make it to doctor’s appointments without it causing me severe physical and emotional turmoil.  Trying to get myself to a job would probably be the end of me and if it wasn’t, I would probably only be able to handle a few weeks before I snapped and wound up in either the ER or a police station.  So I was talking to this woman, a warm, loving and kind lady who I thought the world of, and all she could offer me was, “Jen, I haven’t really paid close attention to that part of the Romney/Ryan plan, but I’m sure, being good Christians, that they wouldn’t leave you homeless.”  Hot damn, I’m sorry that she didn’t really calm my nerves with that.  It’s sad, I know.  But in my current state, what I needed to hear was, “Jen, if anything like that happens, you’re like family to us and we wouldn’t let you live on the streets.”  I wasn’t looking for a hand out.  I was hoping for some inclusion, the way they would offer it to their own because they told me and treated me as if I were.  When someone talks about Jesus, family and the true spirit of charity I expect them to live those words, as least in regards to the very people who perfectly fit into the category of “like family”.  But alas, all I was promised was that the Republicans couldn’t possibly want to see me out on the streets.  And you know what, maybe if they won I would’ve seen no difference or maybe shit would’ve even improved and it would’ve never come down to it.  But it would’ve been stellar to hear that as far as my “close as family friends” were concerned, our bond was greater than anything political.  But no, their open door shut just shy of true Christian ideals.  Go figure.

Yeah, I want to turn the other cheek, but that’s not my style.  I speak the truth and when I am wrong, I am wrong.  I can’t always be right.  No one is.  And I like the fact that I am capable of making mistakes and seeing them for what they are.  The sad truth is, I love and miss this group of friends.  I’ve missed them for a long time now, not just since this argument.  I lived with them for a while and then had to move far away to be with my mother while she was sick and ultimately dying.  I didn’t want to move home, but I had to.  And, yes, looking back I am so grateful that I did.  My mother and I needed the last two and a half years of bonding and trusting and talking and growing.  It was a priceless event in my life and no friendship or job or anything else could ever manage to equal its greatness.  And I don’t think anyone would argue that.

It’s also true that while I was back in New Jersey, my friends in Georgia and I had a rough time keeping in touch.  We had random text messages and the facebook medium to see what was going on with one another, but it was a far cry from the very close and intimate bond we shared while I lived with them.  Now, I know I was more willing to offer up time to communicate, but that’s not because they didn’t care.  It was because they had (have) very full lives.  There are 4 beautiful little girls and one handsome little boy who arrived after my departure who need mommy and daddy and grandma and grandpa.  They are a close, active family and I’ve loved that about them.  I know it’s love and a lot of it, because it completely dismantled any jealous I naturally felt.  I never stopped wishing I could be a part of it, but not once did I wish they didn’t have each other so that I may be more “needed”.  That might not sound all that impressive to you, but as someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I see for myself just how much growth and power this truth holds for me.  Someone in my state would wish anything on anyone to not be alone, to not feel second best or abandoned and while I am not looking for anyone to cheer me on or pin a medal to me because I’m acting like a normal human being, I know that it has been no small feat.

I credit this family with a lot of my personal development over the last handful of years.  The only reason I feel as comfortable with children and my longing to be a part of the kids lives that I personally have been blessed with (I have my own assortment of beautiful nieces and nephews to be proud of) is because the little girls in this troop showered me with such unbridled entheusiasm and joy that my heart had no choice but to swell and overflow.  It is rivaled only by the sadness I feel in knowing I will never be able to hold them close, laugh and sing and smile from ear to ear as i witness some of their own remarkable achievements.

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