The Four Pillars   5 comments

Hello everyone,

I am on seven prescription medications right now. Two are for high blood pressure, two are for high blood sugar, and two are for my bi-polar disorder with an antibiotic thrown in. It’s been several years since I’ve been properly medicated and it makes me feel silly to know that my body is not capable of handling its own shit. Blood seems to be the biggest issue for me if you think about it. Pressure, sugar and my growing urge to shed some because of my anger and mania with this possible other condition which is basically my blood having even more dysfunction.

I am starting to see life differently lately and I guess that’s why I’m bothering to share any of this. In some respects, I have never been clearer. But then there is this constant dark highway that I am traveling and I can’t decide if I am the victim or villain. I suppose it is entirely possible that I am both depending on which side of the walls you’re on.

I talk about losing myself inside of my head all of the time, even to my therapist. I am incredibly honest when I go in to see her. I believe that if it weren’t for my mom I would be locked up for a while. But I can control it. So, for now, I do.

I assume that often in these situations people get angry and can’t stop themselves from hitting someone or something like that. And because of that action, they are removed from society to protect themselves and others. I think that’s the more common occurrence. With me, I still have the control. The difference is that the list of reasons I have focused on my whole life to keep me from snapping is getting shorter and shorter. I just don’t have as much holding me back anymore.

I called these things:

The Four Pillars

And they were as such:

Disappointing my Grandmother
Hurting my Mother
My Karma hurting my cat (who has been the most important partner in my entire life)

I realize that if you don’t know me this list can seem silly, immature or insane. And I won’t bother trying to explain it all that much right here. At least, not as far as why they were my four pillars to begin with. But I will explain, to a certain extent, why they are failing me now starting from the bottom of the list and working my way up.

Budrick Von Beethoven III

My boy, my furry soul mate, my sexy lover chops; this cat meant more to me than any lover, parent, friend. He never let me down, not once. And even in his passing, which took place on May 7th of this year, he did the noble thing and passed away after I got to spend a week alone with him saying all that I needed to say. He also did this 2 days before I was going to take him to the vet so that I may never have to question if I did the right thing. Even till the very end, he gave me all that he had to give. But he is gone now and I no longer have to fear anyone or anything ever hurting him. And I am free again to roam, whereas before I vowed to live in my car with him before abandon him.

Pillar one down.

Number two is a deconstruction in progress. My mother is still alive, but our relationship has been so open and honest the last couple of years that I feel fairly comfortable falling apart in front of her. She knows of my mental illness as well as about my general health problems and she worries and prays, but she is there for me. And for those of you just tuning in, she is dying. She’s been dying for over two years now. Breast cancer that moved to lung and is now in her bones, she is still independent, feisty and mentally sound, but she’s getting weaker. Out of 4 children, I am the only one doing a damn thing for her and its so sad because, let’s face it, I am in no condition to be taking care of anyone. But I do what I can because I adore her and because she has always taken such good care of me.

What you need to understand is that my mother has an incredibly strong faith in God and Jesus and all that jazz and she just told me again the other day, “Don’t worry if something happens to me while you’re not here. Just remember that I am where I want to be.”

Now, I don’t believe that, but if that faith brings her such comfort and acceptance in an otherwise hopeless situation, then I support it completely. Never question the composition of your life raft. Just get ashore.

But as her tests come back to say her cancer is spreading further and further, I feel the time nearing when I can no longer fail her. I hate the thought of not being there when she really needs me and soon, she will be with her angels while I am free to travel the world; whether that be to see the sights or hide from the law that is between me and MY life raft.

Pillar two nearly down.

Now enters my grandmother and her bag of crazy. I love this woman so much it hurts, it literally hurts. She taught me my prayers, how to tell time, how to tie my shoes, my times tables. She gave me a better childhood than my father ever would’ve been able to provide. But she also twisted my sense of right and wrong. In my grandmother’s presence the truth means absolutely nothing. We all lie to her because she runs our family like a tyrant. And everyone, except my father, agreed that it was better to lie to her face and the live the lives they wanted once they were out of sight. But as a child it was all so confusing. And not having a solid father/daughter bond because my dad was the black sheep of his flock left me questioning every action and reaction I made or that anyone else made for that fact. My grandmother has driven me insane. Trying to be what she wanted, trying to let her dominate everything, watching the chaos of my family has fucked my head up so bad that I can honestly say I have no idea who or what I am at the age of 37.

But there is news from the frontlines. In the last year and a half or so my grandmother has sincerely gone batty. She talks to people that are not there. She has full on relationships with them. She prefers them to her own sons. And the family, a bunch of fools incapable of dealing with this, have just allowed her to stay at home, living alone, tending the family house. She is no longer who she was. I know now that all of her rules, all of her guilt and shame, it didn’t come from a healthy place where I was the seed of corruption. It was inside of her all along. And it was unfair for the children of that family to live the way we did.

I no longer worry about her approval, her acceptance, her understanding. I still love her. I know she did her best. But she is mentally ill too.

Pillar three smashed.

And now, last but not least, (or maybe it is) God.

I never doubted God. I doubted being Catholic. I doubted Jesus. But God and I were aces. Not once did I question. But in the last 7 months I’ve realized that if my “divine concepts” of everything else are just me being creative, then maybe God is too. Don’t worry. I said this before I walked away.

“Dear God,

If you are there, please use your vast intelligence, love and understanding to let me wander from your flock for a bit. I need to figure out who I am. And, sadly, the way you have been presented to me all of my life has made you more of a crutch, an excuse, a punch line, than anything positive. If you are there, I trust you have enough love in your heart for me to allow some time for me to think on my own and figure this stuff out. And if you’re not there, well so be it. Either way, whatever I find on the other side of this journey will be real, based on my own experience and something I will never deny or hide from. If you did make me, be content knowing that you made me to be able to pick myself up, dust myself off and make my way. And if that was you, thanks.”

Pillar four faded and non-binding.

So there you have it. I am nearly free. Free to slice your throat, save the world, who knows? But I am nearly free, free to be me.


5 responses to “The Four Pillars

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  1. You are an amazing, incredibly gifted person.

    • Thank you. Sincerely. I’m not sure what makes you say so, but I’m going to allow myself to grab hold of it and run wild with it as long as possible.

      • What makes me say so is that you are an incredible writer with amazing depth and experience. You write with so much honesty, passion, and eloquence. I believe that you have done and are doing wonderful things.

      • I’ve roamed around my whole life searching and seeking a certain level of understanding and acceptance. It’s like a disease. And even when I find it in a particular place, like any addiction, it just leaves me craving more. Thank you for your words. They settle me in away I am most erratic and energize me in all the manners in which I was starting to lose focus. I hope you continue to read and comment. And I will certainly do the same. 🙂

  2. “Never question the composition of your life raft. Just get ashore.”
    And once you’re ashore the life raft is – as I believe you already know – useless.
    You’re doing a lot better than I was at age 37. You’re going to be just fine.

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