Resurrected Blog (in the spirit of the holiday)   Leave a comment

It’s Easter. This is the holiday that I grew up loving. I preferred Halloween, but was always too self conscience to really get into wearing costumes. And Christmas I dreaded because of the gifts. I have never liked getting presents, so both my birthday and Jesus’ drove me mad. Thanksgiving was cool enough, but I guess I started feeling the negativity spreading in all the false tones and ignorant religious observations so I pulled away to not feel them head on. Easter was quiet, but had my favorite things. There were no presents, but there was some candy. Ham was always what my family made and I so love me some ham. People were dressed up, but it wasn’t a big deal, so I didn’t have to be. There was more than enough meaning in the religion part, but it wasn’t the sickening sweet kind you got with Christmas. There was something dark and mysterious about the Passion and about the Stations. From ashes to palms to resurrected people, it was just an odd thing for seemingly normal folks to take part in. And I always saw that. And I always loved it.

Easter was also important to me because I got to share so much of it with my mother. Unlike Christmas which was all about accumulation of gifts, there was a lot to do before Easter that my father’s family left for me and my mom. We went to Stations of the Cross together, we had fun figuring out what we were going to eat on Wednesdays and Fridays because we didn’t eat meat on either, we watched the epic “Ten Commandments” every year, but mostly what I remember is that I got to see my mom’s faith in action. And it was brilliant. It still is.

Also, and this might sound totally insane but I’m over it, Easter was when my father and I first did drugs together. And kind of like my mom’s faith in God, my dad’s bliss from cocaine was equally amazing. Maybe because this one I felt for myself with the same intensity. We talked and bonded and share secrets and it was simply the most connected to him I ever felt. And if you want to say it was false and conquered up by the drugs, so be it. It was all I had of him, so it was all I could ever want. And now that he’s been gone for almost 8 years, it’s what I miss the most. So it matters. Besides, I saw the drugs, I could touch them, taste them, and I definitely felt the effects of them, both good and bad. And while I have tried to feel my mother’s faith in God and have come close and have not stopped trying, I have no doubts that cocaine and its high are real. So before you judge one, really look at the other and tell me why you’re so sure of yourself.

Regardless, it’s Easter and I just wanted to say hello. I’m on my way to my mother’s apartment to enjoy the day with her. Whatever her words, her faith, her devotions are, they are mine today. I will never take that away from the woman who has given me so much. And then Monday, I will put that all away and start back on the journey I’ve been on.

I would love to one day find the answers to these questions I have, but I swear to you all this: I have grown, learned, experienced and participated in my love continuously because of my dedication to truth and reason. And where they fail, my imagination is greater than any words any book has ever provided.

Continue you on your journeys. And may they lead you home.

Peace.

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