Faith of Sorts   2 comments

It’s funny how people take the bits and pieces you are able to offer them via some internet based interactions and come up with the most ridiculously inaccurate characterization of who and what you are. It’s funny, but completely understandable. Human beings are creatures that need to label and categorize everything that we come in contact with and in this age of social media and online gaming it stands to reason that our psychology is simply not able to adapt as quickly as our typing skills. The brain that is geared towards relying heavily on things such as body language, dialect and cadence is not going to gain the same level of transparency from things like emoticons and character spacing. I find it remarkable that in only a few years I can actually “hear” someone yelling at me when they use all caps, but that’s pretty much where the easy transition ends.

I’ve been reading a lot lately about religion because of the nagging need I’ve felt over the last couple of years to place myself somewhere on the map of “faith”. I have been very careful not to jump quickly into these waters and I have been surprised lately with the choices that I have made. They have come to me effortlessly, perhaps the way that these things should. My “religion” has changed more often than any other central factor throughout my life. Born and raised Catholic, I’ve spent large blocks of time following Christianity in general as well as “paganism” in the guise of “witchcraft”. I have also spent a lot of time researching both schools of thought through the eyes of the “Gnostic”.

The reason why I am mentioning all of this is because for the first time in my life I am contemplating something that has never before occurred to me. And I have been concerned about the organic intentions being represented. I admit my view on Christianity has been completely corrupted because of the Christians I happen to have in my life. While there are exceptions to every rule, the vast majority of people I speak with on a somewhat friendly level that claim to be Christian are the most void of kindness, compassion, honesty and integrity that I know. They do not forgive, they do not say thank you, they do not admit fault, they do not know how to love or respect. Again, this is not everyone that I know who is a Christian (or Catholic), but the vast majority. So don’t assume I mean you, but since there are only a few that are not on the list, there is a good chance I do mean you.

And then there are the other faiths that are represented in my community. I have Jews, Pagans, Buddhists and an assortment of people who don’t claim a religion so much as a basic faith in some higher power. Where people seem educated, sincere and credible I pay attention. I try to learn as much as I can from who ever has something of value to teach. But the one thing that is becoming blatantly clear is that none of it makes any sense to me anymore.

My mind is growing stronger, my sense of self and my faith in compassion, community and balance is restored and increasing beyond anything I have ever truly known or felt before. The conversations I was having with God all of these years have been turned into an honest, self aware dialogue between the “me” of now and the “me” of tomorrow and I am learning that there is more to me than regret, doubt and shame. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer hiding.

I don’t have the words to say right now that would add to this, that might sum it up or grow it even larger. But I have the faith in myself to know that when they come, I will witness them for the wonder that they are, the wonder that I am. And as soon as I am ready, I will share them with you.

If you care to listen, well, that is entirely up to you.

But for now, thank you for whatever you have brought into my life. Everyone has served a purpose and I am forever grateful.

Jen

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2 responses to “Faith of Sorts

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  1. I’ve always thought it was sad that many people have never really interacted with a person who claims Christianity and lives it authentically. I think there should be room for being human, but many times it’s cringe worthy to listen to people who say they love Jesus and then have them turn around and behave badly. I know I’m just as guilty of this as anyone. Good luck in your journey. 🙂

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