About a Year Ago   Leave a comment

     Does anyone remember or still use Xanga.com?  I used to blog there constantly and really found a voice for myself and then everyone started with MySpace and then Facebook and posting more than a status just got lost in the process.  I’m still trying to figure out how people use Twitter because I can’t even say hello in less than 140 characters.  But I’m going to try it again since it seems to be so important to social networking and I am all about being on top of such things.  (Insert sad, insincere laugh).   

      Anyway, I’m going to share what I wrote last on Xanga back in January of this year.  I was obviously not in the best place emotionally, having just been diagnosed with BPD and finding out that working was nearly impossible for me with all the issues I was experiencing.  Also, my current girl friend and I were just starting to fall for one another and she was nervous about hurting me and I was taking that as lack of interest when, in fact, it was her being really mature about the whole thing. 

    So the following is what I posted on January 2, 2011.  I’m going to include a link to my old Xanga as well because I had used it for so long on a regular basis that it really helps shed some light on who I am and what I’ve been through in my adult years. 

 

January 2, 2011

The Pointed Side of Somewhere Down

 

I can’t begin to tell you the things that are going through my head anymore.  I know that this was my secret hiding place for so long back in the day and I guess I’m just hoping for some of the rewards it used to bring me.  I could come here before and not be judged.  Maybe it’s because so few people ever really read what I wrote and that used to frustrate me.  But not anymore.  I’m not sure I could handle people seeing this side of me.  Or maybe this isn’t just some odd side, but my new direction, the pointed side of somewhere down.  I feel it all slipping away, my grasp of what I used to have, what I’ve newly gained.  Everything is just edging its way to the outline and then just like that, it’s no where at all.  These are unfamiliar surroundings.
There are people trying so hard to be there for me right now.  And I know that in a clear mind, with a noble heart I love them each for what they bring to me.  But I am just not able to take any of that in right now.  I am struggling, minute by minute, to stick this out.  And when I come back from this dark, windy tunnel that I seem to be lost in, I will surely be grateful for all that you have tried.  But I am sincerely at a place inside my banged up head that just won’t allow for any of you to reach me for a time and you can’t take that as a blow against you.  You just need to let me be, because I am lost right now, even to myself.

If you’re interested in what I was all about in the past check out:

http://postergirl.xanga.com/

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